


Goodbye, Virgil

by Darcylovette



Category: Sander Sides, Thomas Sanders (youtube)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Pre-accepting anxiety, Verbal Abuse, Virgil deserves better, deceit is an asshole, dontbelievehislies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 01:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13603005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darcylovette/pseuds/Darcylovette
Summary: Virgil had decided to duck out of Thomas' life. But why?What had convinved him Thomas was better off without him?Or who?(Pre-Accepting Anxiety)





	1. Chapter 1

_Leave him alone. He hates you. Can you blame him?_

Thomas was about to place his order. He was next in line, why hadn’t he decided yet? This was going to be embarrassing – he’d mess up his words, he’d annoy the cashier. Everyone behind him would start tutting and sighing…

“Come on, come on…” Virgil muttered, his finger hovering over the small, red button on his desk. He could feel his hand starting to shake, “more urgency… come on!”

_You make him miserable, but that’s just what you do._

The man in front was pulling out his wallet. Thomas was still torn between a number 7 and a number 13. Virgil couldn’t stand it. He tried to pull his hand from the button.

_Don’t you think he’d be so much happier without you? Of course he would._

Virgil couldn’t stand it. “Just… just pick one, please. Just do it. Please.”

_It’s not your fault, you’re just… a side effect. A mistake. Like a tumour._

Thomas took a step towards the counter.

“No, no… don’t… d-dammit.” Virgil hissed. His finger slammed down on the button, then again, and again. “Pick one! Pick!!”

He watched through the screen as Thomas’ eyes darted between the menu and the cashier. Virgil could hear his breathing quicken, his heartbeat pounding faster and faster through the walls.

“Uh- uh, c-could I have a…”

Virgil slammed the button again.

“N-number 7, please?” his trembling fingers reached into his pocket to grab his wallet, struggling to get it open.

Virgil lifted his hand again, but drew it away.

Thomas took a deep breath and slid a note from his wallet, passing it over to the cashier. He was calmer now, even made the cashier laugh with a joke.

Virgil slumped down, his face in his hands. On one hand, he was relieved. Thomas had chosen, he didn’t hold up the queue. However… he’d still made him look like a fool. He was stammering, shaking, panicked…

“Dammit… dammit…” He groaned, fingers twisting around his hair, “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t…”

Virgil had one job, and one job only. Sit at his desk, watch Thomas through the screen. Push the button to give him a “jolt”.

Essentially, Virgil was here to keep him alive. To ensure he never left his door unlocked, checked before crossing the street, and didn’t climb the fence at the zoo to try and pet a lion. That wasn’t all he was responsible for – he was also there to ensure Thomas didn’t humiliate himself.

Urgency. Caution. Vigilance. All this and more, just one button. One person.

Virgil – Thomas’ anxiety.

_He doesn’t really need you. Isn’t it better to let him solve all these problems himself? Don’t you have any faith in him?_

He didn’t like making Thomas feel bad. He hated the way his breathing and heartrate would speed up, the way his voice quivered, the way he’d lay in bed and panic instead of doing the thing Virgil was trying to urge him to do.

He only wanted to give him a jolt of urgency, to get him started! Pushing the button again and again, screaming at the screen. “Get up! You won’t get it in on time! You’re going to fail! You’ll get kicked out! Be homeless! Come on, just do it!!”

But Thomas would just pull the covers over his head and _groan_.

Virgil knew he was making it worse, but what was he supposed to do? Sit back and do nothing? Let Thomas fail, make a fool of himself? Was making him suffer the only way to prevent future suffering?

Thomas had sat down, his order sitting in front of him. He picked up one of his fries and sighed. Virgil knew – he wished he’d chosen a number 13. But he’d panicked.

“ _You made him unhappy._ ”

Virgil let his arms fall onto the desk with a thud.

“I know.”

The shadow in the doorway was back.

“ _You couldn’t leave him alone. Can’t you see how selfish you’re being?_ ”

“I know, I just…” Virgil faltered, his eyes darting back and forth between his hands and the red button, “I was scared. I tried to hold back, but… I couldn’t. I was only trying to help.”

“ _You’ve never helped him. He hates you. Everyone hates you. Just leave him alone._ ”

 Virgil’s hands curled into fists, he could feel his nails digging into his palms, “But… what will happen to Thomas without me?”

“ _He’ll be fine._ ”

“Who w-will remind him to check if his door’s locked?”

“ _He’ll remember._ ”

“Okay… but what about-”

“ ** _He doesn’t need you, Virgil._** ” The voice boomed, echoing around the small, dark room, “ _You’re nothing but an inconvenience. You’ll never truly be a part of him._ ”

Virgil’s knuckles whitened.

“ _That’s what you want to be, don’t you? A part of him. Be on his side. Look at the others – they’re good for him. They’re good to him. They’re helpful, kind, useful… all the things you’ll never be. What, because you’ve broken your way into the circle a couple of times you think he likes you? They all hate you. They want to get rid of you._ ”

Virgil felt small. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, looking into the screen. Thomas had run into a friend – they were talking, laughing, having a good time. His friend mentioned how tough their breakup had been… what if Thomas says the wrong thing?

He reached for the button… but paused.

“I want to help him…”

“ _Then leave._ ”

His arm was shaking.

“… Where will I go?”

“ _Just go to your room. Nobody wants to go there, nobody will go looking for you._ ” The shadow was moving closer and closer, “ _Do the right thing, for once. If you really want to help him, you’ll… duck out, so to speak. Just back off._ ”

“What if he does something wrong?”

“ _Don’t worry._ ” A hand appeared on Virgil’s shoulder, “ _I’ll look after him. He won’t care about any of that anymore. I’ll make sure he’s happy, blissfully unaware that anything is wrong. Doesn’t that sound best for him?_ ”

Virgil wasn’t sure, “But it won’t be real…”

“ _Would you rather let him suffer over **scenarios** which aren’t real?_ ”

“… I just want to h-”

“ _Then go. I’ll take it from here._ ”

“… I ju-”

“ _You can trust me. Aren’t we friends, Virgil?_ ”

He hesitated, “We’re… friends?”

“ _I’m the only friend you have. Everyone else hates you._ ”

“I… I know…”

“ _Go, take the rest of the year off. You’ll see how much happier Thomas is. Go listen to your amazing music. Relax. I’ll take care of him._ ”

Virgil wanted to argue, but the words dried up in his mouth. Thomas was still talking with his friend. They were laughing – really loudly. They must be drawing attention, but… Thomas didn’t care. He was happy. Free.

“… Alright. I’ll go. See you later… friend.”

“ _Goodbye, Virgil._ ”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Accepting Anxiety

Things were better. Some might even say okay, but those people didn’t fear the word as much as others. To say things are okay only tempts misfortune, and if there’s one thing Virgil was familiar with… it’s the worst that could happen.

Virgil was in with the group. Not necessarily a “ _part_ ” of the group, not _quite_ fitting in as well as the others. But he **was** a part of Thomas. More than that – Thomas didn’t hate him. He needed him. He appreciated him. He saw Virgil for who he was… a protector, looking out for him. He wasn’t a bad guy.

Logan and Roman still annoyed him, but that probably wouldn’t change. Their natures often conflicted, and their views on the world were so vastly different. Virgil jumped to conclusions, wanting to protect Thomas from possible catastrophise. Logan only drew conclusions from evidence, and Roman… well, he could only visualize wildly exaggerated fantasies, it seems.

Patton was okay. He never threw shade at him (as Thomas would say), or argued with him, or made him feel excluded from the group. It was a little unnerving to have someone act like they care about you… no, not acting. Patton didn’t have it in him to hate anyone, let alone pretend to like them. He was painfully honest about his feelings, and boy, did he have a lot of feelings.

His room felt different today. Not much had changed, besides the hand-made card now hanging on the wall. But it _felt_ different. Somehow it wasn’t as cold as before, or empty. Nobody ever visited Virgil’s room – it was dark, messy, and a little spooky. It was Virgil’s safe space, away from Deceit and the others.

But no, that wasn’t true. Not anymore. People had visited his room – hell, people still visit his room.

But not the _others._

Patton.

Roman.

Logan.

Even Thomas.

It was as if they’d left behind parts of them every time they popped in. Warmth, comfort, light, a sense of… something. Something nice, but different. It might take some getting used to, but Virgil didn’t mind. He just wished they’d give him some warning next time.

Virgil sighed, adjusting his headphones slightly. He thought about going to sit on the coach, but this was nice. The stairs felt familiar. He leaned back against the wall, his lips parting as his eyes fluttered closed, letting out a long exhale of breath.

This was where he was supposed to be.

_Right?_

He belonged here, and with Thomas. Not back there. Never again. Not anymore.

_Right?_

Virgil’s eye twitched, “No…” he shook his head, lips pressing together. Deceit couldn’t come for him -he couldn’t enter his room, and unless Thomas wanted to… but, why would he?

_Exactly, **why** would he? _

A list began to form in Virgil’s mind, growing longer and longer. All the scenarios in which Deceit could slither his way back into Virgil’s life. Why were there so many?! Yes, he was a master of deception and manipulation, but Thomas was smart. He was _good_. As good as a human being could be.

Despite this, Virgil knew he’d need to keep an eye out for him. The others wouldn’t understand; they didn’t know Deceit like he did. He could fool them easily, and even Virgil had been fooled by him once before.

Never again.

Never again.

 

But he still couldn’t relax.

“God dammit…” Virgil let his headphones fall to his shoulders, the back of his head pressed against the wall. He hugged his knees, trying to practice his breathing.

_In for four seconds._

_Hold for seven seconds._

_Out for eight seconds._

_Out._

_Out._

**_Breathe!_ **

He exhaled sharply, fingers pressed to his temple.

“Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.”

He didn’t want to.

He’d happily never step back in that place again.

That’s not who he is. That wasn’t who he ever was.

_Was he?_

No.

“I don’t want to go back…” he muttered angrily, as if arguing with himself. “What if he says… what if he makes me… what if I can’t come…”

But he had unfinished business to take care of.

It was time to say hello to an old friend.

 

 

He never noticed how dark this place was. There was no light, but everything casted a shadow – black on black on black. The longer you looked, the more it sucked you in. Darkness could be infatuating if you focused on it for too long.

Virgil couldn’t tell which way was up, let alone where anything (or anyone) could be. But he knew he’d be here.

“Deceit.” Virgil called, trying to keep his voice from trembling, “Deceit! I know you’re in there.”

“ _… No I’m nooot…_ ” sang a voice in the air.

“I want to talk.”

“ _Oh, as much as I **love** our talks, Verge, I **really** don’t love them._”

Virgil glowered, biting down on his lower lip, “Get out here now, you… scaly… Disney-villain wannabe!”

A stunned silence fell.

“ _… Oh, wow. Look at little Virgie – growing a backbone, are we? Oh, you’re **so** brave, Virgie! Aren’t you **so** wonderful!_ ”

“Don’t call me that. My name is **Virgil.** ”

“ _That’s what I said, **Virgie!**_ ”

Deceit had appeared. He had a nasty habit of silently popping up unexpectedly… something they had in common. It made him shiver.

“ _Welcome home, friend-o._ ” Deceit opened his arms, tilting his head to the side, obscuring his yellow, snake eye in the darkness. “ _I was wondering when you’d be back – I’ve **missed** you._ ”

“I’m not staying.” Virgil tried to look him in the eye, but one was too human for his head, and the other was just… unpleasant. “I wanted to talk. Then I’m not coming back.”

Deceit only laughed, arms still outstretched, “ _Don’t be stupid, of course you are. This is your home. You have nowhere else to go._ ”

He’s lying. He’s lying. He’s lying.

“I am… **not** coming back.”

Deceit laughed again, softer this time, “ _I love these games we play. I tell you to do something, you say no, we do a little dance and then… you do it. Anyway, you should get back to your desk. It’s been a while since Thomas has felt that wonderful **jolt** of fear. Gets the blood pumping._ ”

“That’s… not how I work anymore.” Virgil felt his eye twitching again, “He… he’s accepted me. He knows I’m trying. We’re… working on how we communicate. It’s like we’re a team. He listens to me and he take me seriously, and… the others want to help too. We all w-want to help and we’re strongest when we’re together. I know Logan wouldn’t agree but… it’s true. He needs me **with** him, not pressing a button on a desk, and…” be blinked, “wait… **you** were the one who told me to…”

Deceit’s yellow eye darted to the side – “ _Yes… I made a mistake. I’m **so** sorry. I thought that Thomas would be safe if you stayed in your room. But, he found you there. It seems the only safe place for you is at your desk – where I can keep an eye on you._ ” – it darted back.

Virgil shook his head, stepping back, “I don’t need you anymore. I-I never needed you. You lie… and you don’t c-care about me… and the others d-do care, and Thomas c-”

“ _Oh, amazing!_ ” Deceit clapped, that slow, infuriating clap of his, “ _You convinced yourself that they **like** you? Those idiots? They hate you! They all do! That hasn’t changed… that will **never** change! Can’t you see? You’re their enemy!_ ”

“No… I’m not the bad guy.”

“ _Nooo, of course not!_ ” Deceit cooed, “ ** _I_** _know that. You’re sometimes **not** bad! And you’re trying. But look at you… look at Thomas… you’re just really, really bad at your job. You try to help, and you ruin everything. It’s okay, you just need… some closer management. None of the others can manage you, because they’re not like you. But we are, Virgie… we **are** you._ ”

_Bad._

_The bad guy._

_The bad side._

_The dark side._

_Dark._

_Darkness._

**_Bad._ **

“I-I d-don’t need… you…”

“ _Virgil, please…_ ” Deceit was smiling, “ _I’ve **never** lied to you. I would **never** lie to you. You’re my friend. You’re one of us._ ”

Don’t believe his lies. Don’t believe his eyes. Don’t believe his lies.

“You are a liar. I do not need you anymore. I don’t n-need this place anymore. I need… th-them. Thomas helps me. Logan shows me new ways to protect him. Patton accepts me. And Roman… he’s… the point it, I don’t need this place. I’m not like you. I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back!!”

Deceit was… frowning. His eyebrows were twitching.

“ _But, Virgil… you’re my friend. You can’t… leave me here alone? You can’t leave me here. You’re my friend. Aren’t we friends? Please, Virgil…_ ” his gaze dropped, “ _I don’t want to be alone…_ ”

Virgil paused.

“D-Dec…” he scoffed, “Man, I thought Roman’s acting was bad. After this performance, I’d gladly give him an Oscar.”

Deceit’s eyes shot daggers into him, “ _Oh, you think you’re sooo much better than me now, don’t you? Smart Virgil. Clever Virgil. Wonderful, wonderful Virgil. I bet Thomas is doodling pictures of the two of you together, having a picnic… in a hot air balloon… in space! Oh, he loves you sooo much!_ ”

“Cool. Anyway, I’m tired, sooo… I’m going to bed.” He spun around.

“ _You think you can just leave here?!”_ Deceit yelled at his back, _“You think you can just change who you are? You think you can be good?! You think you can escape from me?!_ ”

“Hm… no, I don’t think I can escape from you.” He smirked over his shoulder at the shaking shadow behind him, “I **know** I can. So, stay away from Thomas. Also, your hat is dumb.”

“ _MY HAT IS GR-_ ”

 

 

He was back in his room.

Virgil was… exhausted. He slumped down on the stairs, sinking into the carped as if it were the finest silk. Home. Home. Home.

He knew Deceit would probably come back, sometime. Nothing can stay hidden forever, no matter how good at lying they were.

But Virgil wasn’t going anywhere.

This was his home.

These were his friends(?).

His family.

Deceit was nothing in comparison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a Discord server just for Thomas Sanders/Sander Sides fans. Come join the fun! We're friendly!! https://discord.gg/3sXAfw

**Author's Note:**

> I have a Discord server just for Thomas Sanders/Sander Sides fans. Come join the fun! We're friendly!! https://discord.gg/3sXAfw


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